Surviving suicide loss

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Suicide left me behind  when it took you

How do you live after lossing someone to suicide?

How do you continue  life when you wanna die?

How do you pretend to be funtional in society?

I lost my partner to suicide two years ago.  Did I get over it? No. Did I forget it ? No. Did I push it behind me? No

Each day it haunts me.  Each  day I walk around and go to work and act like a functional  person in society.

Some people know I suffer, others  dont. That is ok.

I never got over it. I attempted suicide more than once. I never got over that either. I’m  in therapy, I have to  do it for one year before  I can gradute. I dont  want to be in therapy because  of the stigma. However, its  my  last  chance, so I’m  trying.

When suicide took my partner, it forgot about me. It took her, and made me suffer  alone. I am no longer suicidal. I have thoughts  alot, but no plan.

I just want my pain to end. Thats  all they wanted too. People dont  want to die, they want to stop suffering.

Theres  been a lot of suicide lately, and  as I started writing  this blog my cousin asked for support as she found out her brother has died by suicide.

The only way I survived is remembering  to “keep safe for now” and “just get to tomorow”. That keeps me pushing.

Everyday  is a struggle  everyday I remember. Everyday I have thoughts and flashbacks.

Whenever  you feel alone, look around you. We are all fighting something nobody knows about.

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Victim of Sexual assault

Have you or someone you know been a victim of Sexual assault? I have, and I know so many other’s have.

Last night (saturday June 2nd ) I went to the bar like I usually do on the weekends. I asked some friends if they wanted to join, but they had other plans. So I went to the bar alone (I usually do)

I have my own Bar. It’s the only bar I go to. It’s safe. The staff are amazing, great bands, and alot of regulars. I sat at a table enjoying some drinks. This older man came beside me and asked if he could join, I said sure. He sat across from me at the table. He later got up off the chair and asked me to dance. I refused. He grabed my hand and pulled me up to the dancfloor in front of everyone. We were doing our own freestly type dance. We were not touching at this point. We were just dancing. I started enjoying myself. I thought this guy was awesome and just wanted to have a good time. The song finished, I was happy to go back and sit down in my own company. He sat down across from me again.

Another song came on, he stood back up and grabbed my hands and we danced, instead this time he was holding my hands and dragging me around. I was very uncomfortable. Again, the song ended, he thanked me for the dance and for allowing him to sit with me. He told me he had to go. We wnt on our ways.

I went outside to have a smoke, and I seen him across the street at the other bar I was going to check out. He started talking to me again. I crossed the street to get closer to him so I could hear what he was saying to me. He was very touchy at this point. Kept hugging me and holding my shoulders.

He offered to pay for a drink after my “generosity “I accepted the offer. We went inside. There was a group of young ladies at the entrance high fiving everyone who entered. It was nice. Not long after, the group of ladies pulled me up and we were dancing together in a circle. The man joined. Shortly before the song ended he sexually assaulted me in between the crowd. I was shocked , pissed, and a disaster.

He didn’t stay much longer after that. He thanked me again for “everything” and tried kissing me on the lips, I pushed him away. He got up and left .

I then poured the drinks he bought me down a drain and walked out and went back to my regular bar and dranked until the bar closed (3 am).

I was so ashamed in myself, still am, and I shouldn’t be. You see, I keep to myself. I’m not a touchy person. I like my own company. I wonder “what if I didnt dance with him and gave him short answers when he was talking to me, would any of this happened ?

You see, yeah of course I could go to police and have him charged (once I find out who he is). But I can’t go to police. I’m too ashamed. I feel like a failure. Why does everything bad always have to happen to me??

I am feeling so low right now. This is why I don’t like getting closs to people anymore. This is why I get really bad anxiety when I meet new people. This is why I am closed up and keep to myself. #metoo is real.

My Psychotherapy experience so far

As many of you already know, I was on a wait list for almost three years to get into the Dialectical Behavior therapy better known as DBT.

I was told from the start that it was a very intense therapy treatment, but of course I brushed it off thinking I can tackle it just like every single other thing.

Therapy is truly hard and intense. DBT also includes ALOT of homework that we have do each week and present to our coach.

It’s been getting much harder emotionally for me. Last week ( 7th session) I was there physically but my mind was lost somewhere else. At one point, I was asked to answer a question … I couldn’t respond as my mind wondered off into it’s own little world.

The three coaches approached me after therapy asking if I was ok. My face went red, I stuttered trying to say yea while packing my stuff in a hurry and rushing out the door.

You see, a long time ago I was very open about my thoughts and feelings. But too many times I was pushed away from friends and family and even school staff when I tried explaining my thoughts because perhaps they thought I was (attention seeking) when I really wasn’t.

Know a days, I am very close lipped about my thoughts and feelings. I got invalidated way too many times that now I ask myself “why even bother?”

Right now we are discussing validation and invalidation in therapy. My eyes started watering (I think a bug flew in my eye’s) I had to quickly get a grip of myself before other’s realized I was having a moment. I am very closed up to my friends, family, and therapy coach when it comes to my mental health. Sometimes I catch myself lying to myself too. But hey, if it helps why not?

When my coached asked me what was going on (during my one on one session with my coach) I tried laughing it off hoping she would change the subject…but I wasn’t so lucky. I ended up telling her what had happened that week and I was very out of it in therapy. Not only did that therapy session hit hard on me, but my mind was dealing with 1000 other things at the same time.

Today was my 8th therapy session. I started last month (April) and it is a one year therapy so I graduate therapy next april.

I don’t want to elaborate too much about my therapy until I gradute..then I will create a big blog post on everything I learned and how it helped me handle life, my emotions, behavior, and thoughts .

Hope everyone has been alright. Till next time my friends😁

Sincerely,

Emily Thorn

Last resort

I don’t mean for this blog to be upsetting or depressing. But I apoligize in advance.

Life was finally decent for me. I was happy. I loved work and loved my work family. We all had to be seperated so very soon. I am back to construction full time now. The income is great, but in the end money doesn’t equal happiness.

I’m back to square one. Lost somewhere between the lines.

I started DBT therapy in April, it was going really well. It is helping me alot. But my last therapy session was very hard on me. I wasn’t feeling myself that day. I am doing better, but I’m still not quit myself.

I miss school and my school pals. They helped me get up each morning and have something to look forward to that day. Now they are gone, just like everything else.

~ never give up, you never know where you will be in the years to come”

Dying inside

It’s been two years on the 15th of April that I lost my partner. I didnt just lose my partner, I lost myself. I lost my hope, my love, my happiness, my life. I feel dead without my love. I loved her more than anyone could imagine. I tried killing myself more than once just to be with her again. I would give my life up for her to come back, but as hard as it is, it’s impossible.

I want nothing in life…but her. I want to be happy again. I want my pain to end. I want to sleep in peace without crying every night. I drink everynight in hopes to kill the thoughts and flashbacks, but it doesn’t work. Nothing works. Nothing will never be the same again.

It’s been two years this Sunday…and you ask how I’ve handled myself? Well, in all honesty I have been dead since she took her life. I stopped living, and started just existing.

If I had the chance to have one more conversation with her I would say the following:

I’m very deeply sorry I let you down. I’m very sorry I failed you. I’m very sorry I wasn’t able to “fix” everything. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. You know I loved you so much. You know I’d take a bullet for you. You know I would get hit by a truck trying to save you. You know I would grab the pills away from you. You know I would cut the rope to save you…if only I knew my life was gonna be over. You see, I’ve lost people in life, but with all my heart I truthfully tell you that lossing you was the worst. You said in a year I’d forget you. I told you that wasn’t true, and maybe your looking down at me, and if you were, you’d know that wasnt true, too. It’s too late.

Cyber bullied because of my imprisoned sister.

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Sometimes I vent when I blog. This blog  is one of them.

First thing first:

My sister was sentenced to six years in prison during the year of 2016. (The same year I  lost my partner to suicide). My sister is imprisoned  for selling a deadly drug. Im  going to state the facts because  people dont  seem to care, but I do.

1. The police were investigating my sisters  “boyfriend “. The police set up dates with my sisters “boyfriend” to buy drugs.

2. During the last  drug deal with my sisters “boyfriend and police, once the undercover cop started counting the money, the drugs and gang unit rushed in and arrested my sister (who was at the opposite side of the parking lot which was were the drugs were being sold).

The police searched my sister’s  belongings  and found cash,  money, and a scale. They also  searched the apartment which led to numourse  illegal flick knifes, more money and drugs.

I’m  not saying my sister is innocent by no means. I believe she fot what she deserved. So keep in mind that I’m  not sticking up for her.

What frustrates me the most about all if this is that my sister was all over the news, her photo is everywhere . But her “boyfriend ” the one who the police  were investing was not all over the news.  I cant  find one photo of him. Why? His family makes him out to be “a good kid” in my eyes, if my sister is going to be all over the news and photos being pushlished then so should his.

They are both guilty. He was sentenced  10 years in prison and my sister was sentenced to 6 years.

I cant  count how many times I heard ” she should get the death  penalty” or she should serve life in prison”. Ok, your  allowed your opinions. My sisters “boyfriend” why isnt  he getting things like this said about him??

You hear me?

Secondly.. I was told I should “kill myself” and “your  a mental health advocate?  What a joke!” Are you fu*king kidding me?

I lost my partner  from suicide during all this. I attempted suicide more than  once and was forced to the mental health ward three times by police.

There, I spent weeks in isolation with pills and needles after being dragged.  I was at my lowest.

You know how hard  it is to deal with your partners  death at the same time of being bullied because  of your siblings actions?

If you think that this  is over, than I’m  afraid your wrong.  People are still talking about  my sister. People  are still attacking me. Why? What did I do?

Why should I kill myself for something I  didnt  do? Can someone please explain that to me???

Heres  what  was on the news:

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I  would also like to add that she is doing good in  prison. She is almost done her high school credits, she has completed all the mandatory courses, and she will be doing college courses soon. She is also hoping to go far away to do another treatment program.

Theres only two  things I ask:

Get your facts straight and dont go after the family of the imprisoned. Thank you.

Thinking of someone in prison

holidays are hard when you dont have your family when you should. Her photo was all over the news. The news and other people labled her a monster. People were stating she deserved the death penalty. When I stepped up and made comments I was then told to kill myself. I remember this moment to this day. I remember the exact words I got that led to a mental breakdown where crises was later contacted to handle me. Someone told me this “your a mental health advocate? Your a joke. You should kill yourself ” like how does that have anything to do with my sister? I wasn’t defending her, I was simply stating facts. People only want to believe the news because it’s “interesting “.

Yes, she hangs out with bad influences. She’s made bad decisions, clearly. But don’t we all? Does that make her a monster? No, it doesn’t. She didnt kill anyone, she didnt hurt anyone.

Here is what happened:

Here, the news labels her a monster. I do however , like how they explained her toubled life.

Here boyfriend “main suspect” was the one under investigation by the guns and gangs unit. He is the one who was selling. But you dont see his photo on the news or anything. The news has him as a “good guy” when he is the one who got my sister involved in this .

Why was my sisters photo circled around the internet and her boyfriend wasnt? Why were people wishing death upon her and not him? You hear me?

She’s done bad thing’s to me. She hurt me physically when she was young, she’s been in and out of my life. No matter what I am always by her side offereng help.

D.B.T – Dialectical Behavior Therapy

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A little intro first:

As some of you know, I have been on a wait list for three years next month for this intense therapy. At the beginning of this month, I had finally received a phone call from one of the D.B.T coaches saying that if I was still interested in taking this course then there was a spot for me. It was finally available for me. I was so thankful to finally get into this course finally. When I was finally discharged from the mental health ward for the third time in 2016 (after losing my partner from suicide and having many attempts myself), I finally received the treatment I needed. I was connected with three different agencies that worked in the mental health field. One of the agencies was a trauma counselor, the second was getting me back on my feet and back into society and connecting me into my community, the third was for my diagnosis and further treatment. I have been on this list for three years. I had little hope of being accepted as I no longer had any case workers. I have been alone for two and a half years trying to deal with my emotions while working two jobs. I had a meeting with the D.B.T coach. she told me all the regulations and I signed the contract. She then told me that I wasn’t 100% approved, my heart dropped when she told me that. One of my fellow co-workers is also taking this course, she told me she had her pre-appointment as well but unlike me, she was instantly approved. At that point I had little hope of getting accepted and I was scared. April has traumatizing events and I’m always scared of having to face it alone. I always think one day I’ll lose my battle. I have little hope, and that helps push me through some of my hard days. I received another call from the coach yesterday saying I was 100% approved. I almost screamed I swear.

What is D.B.T ?

I’m glad you asked. D.B.T stands for dialectical behavior therapy . This therapy was originally for people with Borderline personality disorder. It has since (basically) been used for everyday living techniques for those who struggle with the following:

  • distress tolerance skills
  • mindfulness skills
  • emotion regulation skills
  • interpersonal effectiveness skills

It has proven to be significantly useful for many people who have taken D.B.T therapy.

people can either put themselves on the wait list, or it can be judged ordered. I know people who both volunteered to do this one year therapy, and also know people who was forced by a judge to take this course. Both parties greatly benefited from this one year therapy course.

I recently bought a book called ” The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook” written by: Mathew Mckay, PH.D. Jeffrey C. Wood, Psy.D . And Jeffrey Brantley, MD.

I don’t know why they don’t use this this skills workbook since it has everything you need to learn the skills for the therapy course anyways.

Who exactly is this therapy course for?

This therapy isn’t directed for a certain “type” of people. You don’t need to be diagnosed with anything to take this course.

Do you think you could benifit from a one year D.B.T therapy course?

Before DBT, I felt like the only solution was suicide… Now that I have completed my treatment I am now able to look forward. My thoughts and emotions used to control me; now I can control them. Of course, I have my bad days, but through learning various skills from DBT I can ride the waves of my depression rather than letting them swallow me.

What factors should I consider?

Some people can find DBT difficult in the beginning, as it requires accepting your problems and working hard to change them. However, after a while you might come to feel that your efforts were worthwhile.

If you are wondering whether DBT is right for you, it might be helpful to think about these questions:

  • Is DBT relevant to me? If you’re mainly interested in talking about your problems in general and trying to understand where they came from, then DBT might not seem relevant to you. In this case, there are various other talking therapies you might like to consider. (See our pages on talking treatments for more information.)
  • Is changing my behaviour my priority? DBT therapists focus very much on enabling you to change your problematic behaviour. If changing your behaviour isn’t the main thing you want to get out of treatment, then you might feel that your therapist doesn’t accept you, or is being critical of you.
  • Am I able to put the work in? DBT can sometimes be hard work, and you will be asked to do homework between your individual sessions. If you don’t like doing homework or feel that you don’t have the time, you might find a course of DBT too rigid or demanding, which might be demoralising.
  • Is group therapy right for me? Group therapy can be really helpful for some people and you may find it helps to work alongside people who are experiencing similar problems. Group therapy is not for everyone though as it can be quite daunting and sometimes triggering. It is important that you think about whether group therapy is right for you or whether you prefer to just work with a therapist one-to-one.

Do you think this is something you need?

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

sincerely,

Emily Thorn

The facts about suicide

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In this blog, I will discuss the facts about suicide. please keep in mind that this is a very intense subject. Therefore, I am warning you that this blog may be triggering to some viewers.

Have you ever struggled with suicidal thoughts? Do you know someone who has? If you have questions or want facts, then this is where you will be educated on the hard facts of suicide.

First and foremost I feel the need to remind some individuals that suicide is no joking matter. Suicide is real and effects many people, perhaps even someone you know. On that note, please keep in mind that words hurt. Please be thoughtful of others well-being.

It is said that suicide is the number two leading cause of death around the world. One country even stated that there are more suicides then murders there.

When someone we know takes their own life, we have a lot of emotions and questions. these questions might be:

Why didn’t they tell me they felt that way? How could I miss all the warning signs ? Why didn’t they say goodbye?

The questions above are very common questions to ask yourself. You may not find all the answer’s. It is also common to blame yourself. I assure you it is not your fault!

When people are in that mindset they don’t think about others. They lose themselves in their emotions and usually they forget who cares about them. It has nothing to do with the people who care about the suffering, it has everything to do with the sufferer themselves. Don’t take anything they say personally. The sufferer, once in that mindset forgets what’s important and they don’t think straight.

The best thing to do for someone who is suffering is simply being there for them in their time of need. Obviously, that isn’t actually simple. It is difficult to talk someone out of it once they are in that mindset. The first thing you should do is call local police and tell them that you are concerned about the well-being of the individual. The individual may not like the outcome, but it ensures they will be safe. they will be taken to a hospital for mental health treatment. Hopefully, the doctors admit them for treatment. They then will be assessed once meeting with a doctor. They will be read their rights. There are some different inpatient group therapy that they have that the individual can choose to do. It is recommended that they do, but it is not mandatory. Also, once the individual gets discharged, they will have the option to do outpatient group therapy as well.

You have to remember that the decision is ultimately up to the individual. They can be involuntarily admitted to hospital, where they are forced to stay for treatment. The hospital will keep the individual safe while in their care, however, if they get discharged and the treatment didn’t help them, they may still take their life. As hard as it is to accept it, it is the cold truth about suicide. What is recommended is that after discharge, they have a strong, consistent, support group, as well as family/friends to monitor the individuals behaviour and mood. If you see no changes in the behaviour or moos in the individual after discharge, you may want to admit them again. There is no limit on how many times an individual can be admitted. So don’t be afraid if you have to admit them more than once. It could be that they got the wrong diagnosis, or perhaps there meds need to change. There can be a couple explanations as to why the individual didn’t receive the treatment they should have got.

Many people think that others harm themselves for “attention” but that is most defiantly not the case. They use self harm methods in means to release their emotions. Some do it because they believe they deserve the pain over a situation, where others do it to feel something physically.

You can never assume what a person is feeling or going through. If you believe that they are suicidal, ask them. You cannot assume someone is suicidal.

The number one thing that frustrates me is when people joke about suicide. It is not a joke. It is nothing to laugh about.

If you, or someone you know is/may be suicidal, please don’t hesitate to reach me. I am assist trained and am qualified to do crises intervention.

sincerely,

Emily Thorn.

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